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these ♥s race from self control
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| Well, I'm buried in my bedroom, under 14 feet of clothes, I could drown in all this clutter I suppos |
[Tuesday
May 19th, 2009
12:56am] |
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mood |
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 enthralled |
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First time back in, what has it been, like 3 years? or was it 4? Either way, it seems insane as to how different my life has become since then. All my posts were bitch, bitch, bitch. I had a terrible outlook on life (ok, it still isn't GREAT, but it's improving). I've graduated, gotten through 2 years of college and I'm still plugging along. Anyway, I think I might start posting my song lyrics on my journal, but I haven't quite decided yet either. They're pretty personal, first draft suckage type of deals! haha :) Ok, enough for tonight!
Well, I'm buried in my bedroom, under 14 feet of clothes, I could drown in all this clutter I suppose.
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[Wednesday
December 21st, 2005
9:10pm] |
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Is it an unwritten rule that friends should hurt you more than not?
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| I will be right here waiting for you... |
[Sunday
October 23rd, 2005
9:45pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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music |
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Richard Marx |
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I miss what I used to have, but I hate it too. There are some things that I wish I could have, some people that I wish would understand me, but life is life. It's most likely always going to be like this, I'm dealing and dare I say, I like it.
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| "I could happily lie down and die sometimes..." |
[Wednesday
October 19th, 2005
8:39pm] |
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Teenage drama is so out of style. So just drop it likes it's heavy bitches, okay? Hahaha, now that that's done with, I think I should mention Career Day sucked balls. Got to see ashnicbrigstok which was cool :):) Seriously, it was pump-ifying. So I definitely decided that people are lame, and the ones who treat you good are really your friends. The ones who don't have enough balls to call, yeah, not your friends. Shove it sweetcakes :)
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| We haven't had that much spirit here since 1969... |
[Monday
October 17th, 2005
5:06pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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"I love their songs, it reminds me of when I was in 3rd grade, my parents had gotten divorced and shipped me off to my annual summer in hell with the grandparents and i made my mom pick me up early because I hated it there, so she did on the way back home, I memorized the entire hell freezes over cd, I swear. It was awesome. Except I had these frogs in a jar and they died. Because I forgot water. They were like frozen in mid-jump too, very sad." God that was an amazing trip.
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| I got to keep on moving... |
[Saturday
October 15th, 2005
11:36pm] |
I miss things that I've recently lost. Like a lot of friends. I guess this isn't a time that I'm meant to be going out? It's questionable. I definitely should have done my homework tonight, but I didn't. I'm sick of caring about everything, honestly, I am. But regardless, I will always care, too much in fact. I was always the girl to care too much, sometimes painfully, about others and I will not stray from my roots. I have noticed lately that I'm infatuated with some ideas, like the idea of being able every Friday and Saturday to sit with my father's American Photo magazine and indulge myself in a good read. I'm infatuated with my car, although it smells like poop and is covered in glitter and I'm infatuated with a boy. I don't even think it's like. This brings me onto the subject of teenage love. I have a feeling that only one teenager in the entire LaSalle Peru area is fucking in love. I know her, and I believe that she longs, unfortunately, for a boy that she has yet to see, it will be a long while. But for all you kids who have the hearts and the "I love yous" in your info and myspace and livejournals, get over it, you AREN'T in love, you're in love with the idea of finding love as such a young age. So do yourselves a favor, dump that "loved" one and see if you can live without them. Because you can. Love is not being able to live without them, being in that constant sense of depression not because someone is missing, but because you as a whole are lost, missing in essense I suppose, but it's you, not them. Hasta.
Bai
Edit: My brother called my dad this morning. Things are turning around.
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| And I can see the perfect sky is torn... |
[Monday
October 3rd, 2005
8:56pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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Here's some things you may want to know about me.
I like to play my Super Nintendo.
I'm emotional, yes I cry.
People easily hurt my feelings.
When I say I don't want to talk about it, I really do. Only one person has found that out.
If I cry in front of you, please don't freak out, it makes me cry harder.
I like sad music, and I can't sleep without my blanket.
I run in bursts of things, one minute I'm lazy, the next, I'm busy.
If I start a conversation with you, realize that's hard for me, please try to keep it going.
If I have a dream about you, I'll usually pretend it's true in real life. I wish.
I like to be treated like I'm the only girl you've ever seen.
I like when you practically have to sit on top of my to talk, it's nice.
I can think of a million others, but spanish doesn't allow this. Adios mi amor.
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| I can break... |
[Saturday
September 17th, 2005
5:53pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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Well, I managed to fucking hit my mom's stupid car and now I'm grounded from the car for a month. FUCKING GREAT. I love being the failure to everyone.
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[Saturday
September 10th, 2005
11:00pm] |
Since some people actually read this, here is what I have to say. I'm sick of people not calling me. If you consider me a "friend" then why not pick up the phone and see if I want to hang out. Or can you magically remember my schedule even though I don't? If you can, then you're officially my personal assistant. Being that 99.98% of you can't, then call me, seriously. You know on myspace, or even here on livejournal, how you get sick of the deadweight friends that you have so you delete them? Well, I basically want to delete my deadweight friends, but it's hard. Most of the time, people call me, or say "Oh, are you going to ______?" and I'll say that I'm not. It is here that my friends would invite me. But yesterday, I was in a mood where an invite probably would have made me so excited and happy, I was indeed not going anywhere due to the non-invitation to go. Last time I checked, I was pretty sure I couldn't tell you which direction Peoria even is, let alone how to get there. So driving wasn't an option. Conclusion: if you think that you can totally ignore me and yet consider me a friend, then to be honest, fuck you, that's bull. It's been so long since I've done stuff with some of these "friends" that they aren't considered best anymore, hell, they aren't even considered "good friends". If you want to be one, keep it up, you're doing a mighty fine job.
-Me.
Cross posted on myspace.
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[Saturday
September 3rd, 2005
1:24pm] |
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Dangalang! I never update anymore. Well last night was the second football game and we won of course, I wouldn't expect any less. A bunch of people got kicked out for drinking, it was hilarious. So some funny stuff happened with our t-shirts, like Carly being dyslexic and such, it was cute. So tonight I have to work 4-10, tomorrow 11-8 an Monday 11-5 in the Valley. EWWW! I hate working, seriously. Gotta finish my layout. Later.
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[Sunday
August 14th, 2005
11:46pm] |
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Sorry journal, but I've been cheating on you with myspace. Anyway. I'm not sure what I'm feeling lately towards a certain boy. But I think its just that feeling you get when you want to know someone better. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it. So I totally lied to both my parents. Kind of on accident. So Friday night, we all were in a chat room. Saturday night was a big orgy on Vande's trampoline, that was hot. And tonight was a movie night at Billy's. So I realized that I now have four groups of friends, which stretches my time even more. Now things are getting hectic. I won't make top six thank goodness, I don't have enough time in my life, seriously. I hope this year isn't hard, because now that I'm editing Sports section, taking pictures of LP's website, tennis, bowling, work and homework. And now with four different but somewhat the same groups of friends, I'm going to be cashed out by eight o'clock every night, I can almost guarentee it. I'm worried about tennis, really bad. I just don't have the time for practices, but somethings got to start getting rid of this fat going on. I swear, you'd think I was having about 98 kids, it's terrible. There's so many new things this year, I'm so scared. And I realized talking to Ashley and Brandi, that I only have like two REALLY good friends that I tell almost everything to. And it's those two people. Over the summer, me and Brandi got really close and I'm glad and well, me and Ashley... I dunno, I seem to always have been able to trust her? Anyway, it's the last night of summer and things are going to be so difficult that I believe I won't have time for you anymore dear journal. So if that proves to be correct, I'll say now that I'll miss the times that you listened when no one else will. The times that you kept my secrets private. The times you've been my shoulder to cry one when everyone else's was cold. If I don't see you for a while, journal, I'll miss you.
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[Friday
July 29th, 2005
11:03pm] |
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I'm sick of apologizing for the way I feel. I'm sorry if you hurt my feelings, but I cannot take back what I said when I explain why they hurt me. Tonight, well, let's just say it was nice. I had a best friend where I sometimes feel uncomfortable, it's nice to hang out with everyone together.
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[Wednesday
July 27th, 2005
6:49pm] |
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Hey darlings. I'm at camp, which has become increasing hard, being that we had a deadline. I didn't miss it though. I'm proud of myself. There is a rather cute child here by the name of Brian. He's pretty cute.
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[Monday
July 18th, 2005
11:40am] |
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Well last night was stupid. I made some girl that stuck her dirty fingers on our Subway glass clean the window and I basically told someone that I have some feelings for him. Which turned out to be the dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life, to tell a guy that you like them. Does it always turn out bad? Does it? I really want to know, for future reference whether it will feel like someone ripped my heart clear out of my chest. I went out on a limb and it broke obviously. So now that I have a heart that been ripped, pulled apart and stomped on, I have no urges at all to talk to him. I used to want to talk to him as a friend for Christ's sake. Yes, Ashley, that does say Christ. I am sorry. I wanted to talk to him, and now I have to plans what-so-ever of uttering another word to him. I think the reason that I liked him so much was the fact that I considered him such a good friend. I'm sick of being.
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[Thursday
July 14th, 2005
10:37pm] |
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I'm not sure what the consequences of my actions would be, but I am looking into them. The consequences to moving in with my dad. There is a significant problem: custody rights. I'm sure that any judge would understand that there is too much estrogen in our household and that I am old enough to decide who to live with, but how would it work? Would I only see my mom every other weekend? I just don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want to keep living this way. I wish, as bad as this sounds, that she would kick me out. It would solve basically all of my problems. I'm pitiful, but I'm not looking for pity. I'm expressing myself in my journal. I'm not looking for pity! There is also this charade that I am faced with everyday. Guys are confusing, and I know that he knows how I feel, because there is basically no one I can trust anymore. So I'm leaving it up to him now. I told him I'd be at work when he called and he did anyway. The frustration is building so high, that I just can't wait to endure this fall, it should be real cute. Yes, cute, I just know it. I wish that I could explain myself to some boys and have them understand what I mean, understand what I feel, but to put it nicely, most boys are jackasses. The only guys that I seem to tolerate are my friend's boyfriends. Maybe I should ask them for advice. This is potentionally a good idea I guess. Only guys can give me their secrets, right?
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[Tuesday
July 12th, 2005
1:45pm] |
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I was flipping through the channels earlier and I saw a music video, so I stayed on the channel. It was country, but I watched it anyway. It was about a man that has a doctor's appointment, there's something wrong with him. It's the same thing that killed his dad. So he asks his best friend to watch over his wife and son. I watched the entire thing and by the end I was bawling. It just really makes you think. The guy ended up dying, it showed his funeral and all the people at it. It just puts everything into perspective. All the things you want to say and do, but never get the chance to. There is so much I want to accomplish by the end of my life, I hope I get to. There's so many people I really don't think I could live without. I guess I'll stop, I need to think some more about this, and plus, I'm still kind of crying. This was a good cry I think though. A very good one.
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[Monday
July 11th, 2005
11:10pm] |
I noticed around March that everyone was wearing Taking Back Sunday shirts thinking they were so hip. Let me tell you kids, thinking you are cool is basically the opposite of being cool. I have this friend who will remain anonymous. She may be the coolest person I have ever met. She does not find herself hot. Or appealing. She is truly cool. But you kids, you decided that changing your image from slutty preps who rap to Ludacris in the cars to slutty punks who belt out Letter Kills in your car was cool. It was lame. The thought of seeing you at Warped Tour makes me sick. I want to punch you all in the face if it would make you understand that you are fakes, changing your image because you thought it was cool. I never claimed to be cool. Maybe you think the word cool is out and trendy is in. What the fuck ever kids, honestly. You aren't trendy, or cool, or popular. People don't genuinely like you. They resent you. Yes, even your friends do. Because they were scared and confused when you changed all your music on myspace from "omygoshhhh ludacris, eve, 50 cent" to "hawthorne heights, letter kills, from first to last". Admit it, you may like these bands, but it's because you forced them on yourselves. You strive to be different but all you've done is make everyone the same. I don't feel different when I tell someone that my favorite band is Brand New. In a town of 9000, I feel like everyone else, and when everyone else is like you, I want to be different. It makes me want to listen to reggae or something like that. But while you all are writing notes to self saying that you miss each other terribly, I'm being original I guess you could say. That cool friend from above listens to old vinyls. I did that for a while too, but now I listen to my mom's old cds. So I suppose when I meet the beginning of the school year once again, I will drown in a sea of a mix of Taking Back Sunday and From Autumn to Ashes shirts. Well, I guess if that's what it has to come down to, it must be it. Let me just tell you one thing. Being like everyone else isn't trendy, or cool, or hip, or popular. It makes you a sellout. You sold out to yourself and your friends. Loser.
( amazing! )
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[Saturday
July 9th, 2005
12:56am] |
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Tonight Melyssa tells me to go to the Igloo because everyone is going. So I do and no one shows up forever, and I look like a complete douche bag and I got locked in, but it was hilarious. So basically then we went to Eric's to watch In Good Company, but I already saw it so we talked the second half of the movie and then I got home and realized that I had kind of a B.O. smell to me? haha ohhh boy. It was funny. Okay well I'm tired, and I'm going to bed.
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